Candace Bushnell Saved My Single Life!!!!
By Rheba Estante
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Every female owes it to herself to have a Sex and the City party with her girlfriends. Why? Because on those days when you delude yourself into believing that a diamond ring on your left hand will finally make you a worthy person … it’s time for a Carrie Bradshaw remedy. Spinster is out … Sex and the City is in! A century ago women needed a man because there were few career options, they had no voting rights, could not own property, could not invest money, etc. Times have changed! |
Our minds forget that we do not need a man to have a great career, buy a dream home, take luxury trips, or love ourselves and our lives. There are many tools in the world to make us our own best friends. Now I am not telling the single ladies out there to stay solo. What I am recommending is to enjoy your own company so you don’t settle for the first guy who comes along. Having a boyfriend is not a life essential on par with food, oxygen, water, and other basic needs. Everyone deserves love … the emotionally healthy kind …. and one that honors you as you honor him or her. This applies to the single men out there as well.
Where do you start loving yourself? In your own heart.
By age 25 we all have baggage … the difference is whether it is carry on or truckloads that we don’t need. Some of you may have known people who get into one bad relationship after another. The boyfriend or girlfriend many have changed but the fundamental dynamic remains the same. Why? I am not an expert but many who are have stated that there is a root cause whereby bad relationships are the symptom. Is this true? Hard to prove but worth addressing. Romance aside, bad relationship patterns can happen within platonic friendships where perhaps one person is always bailing the other out of trouble. The same kind of trouble even! What is going on? Probably a pattern that makes one gravitate to a certain personality to create a certain dynamic with. The answer may be complex or simple but what is - is what is.
Emotions have been known to cloud better judgement in even the most seemingly brilliant and astute and streetwise people. One of the major benefits to self-respect is the ability to discern a potential partner’s character. When you feel complete in yourself you are more likely to be objective and grounded. The flush of romance often makes us biased in a positive light known as the honeymoon period. Before allowing someone into your heart (human hearts are tender and fragile when it comes to romantic love) … it protects you and your emotional peace of mind to have what I call a Harvard level admission policy. The criteria based on another’s character, such as in the book “Safe People” by Dr. Henry Cloud mentioned later in this article. Again, people are not perfect but do NOT walk into an intimate relationship with your eyes blinded to the reality of the person. Most of all trust your gut and when unsure, seek only the opinion of a person you (A) trust and (B) has a life that demonstrates that they are an excellent judge of character.
If you don’t believe me, look at the statistics of the foolish choices people make during a midlife crisis …. people who should have known better. Intense emotions like lust, greed, envy, and other selfish negative feelings are the basis for decisions and actions of an equally if not more severe consequence in some way, shape, or form. Just look at the Enron executive management team … their greed jeopardized stellar business careers. Same so with romantic partnerships. Being needy of external affirmation can be a cause of a very poor choice.
Self-love is a cliché but it is true that we settle for less when we don’t like ourselves. Self-sabotage, self-destruction, self-abuse, and all other forms of annihilation originate in lack of self-love. And surprise … we all experience our moments of feeling bad about ourselves. The challenge is to commit to getting better. No one will ever be perfect. All we can do is work to strengthen our gifts and be the best we can. Life is choice not chance. Choosing healthy people is a top priority. Start with being a healthy person yourself. One book I recommend is “Safe People” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. These authors also wrote the book “Boundaries”. They are Christian in perspective but even an atheist or agnostic can glean some wisdom from it. Another excellent book for a secular audience is “Stand Up for Your Life” by Cheryl Richardson or “Life Without Limits” by Lucinda Bassett. Or just explore and trust your gut when seeking tools from a book or workshop or retreat.
Self-love is not vanity or arrogance but just honoring yourself with the self-respect of being you. Notice how someone with self-respect would most likely choose loving and caring friends and lovers. While the opposite would be most likely to be seen with someone questionable. Holding out for a great person is worth it. Otherwise you risk spending and wasting years of your life with someone who will give you negative baggage.There are plenty of wonderful single people out there. If you allow a dysfunctional person to occupy your heart there tends to be less openness to a much healthier and compatible choice. Life holds no guarantees but use your single time to stack the odds of a great relationship in your favor by cultivating self-love. Be inventive, be kind to yourself, and follow activities and social opportunities that make your heart sing.
That’s my two cents!
Some more resources for excellent tools to foster self-love can be found on the “Wise Women Who Are Uplifting the World” eBookshop at: http://astore.amazon.com/wiswomwhoareu-20