The Laws of Ex-pectations
by Anthony Peter
It has been said that “Men are from Mars” and “Women are from Venus,” which to me has always been an interesting metaphor. While I do agree it often appears that men and women operate very differently, I’ve always been more inclined to believe that identity is not so easily boiled down to gender, but rather always dependent upon the individual person. Maybe I’m one-part crazy to believe this, and maybe not. However, when it comes to love, relationships, and dating, I think it matters not what planet one is from, whether galactically male, female, younger, older, straight or gay, but what laws one follows on one’s own personal planet of love. And with so many planets circling, I think there is one question to which I’m especially certain my own personal philosophy applies: Is it ever okay to make a play for a friend’s ex?
Hooking up with the ex of a friend is serious business; in other words, it should never be initiated non-chalantly. Perhaps you know a survivor of this ‘business,’ or perhaps you yourself have been the one secretly pining over that person who was clearly off-limits, watching as s/he built a relationship (or possibly even a marriage) with your good friend. But what about if things- unfortunately, of course- just didn’t quite work out? Is that person automatically off-limits forever because of the past attachment to and painful affiliation with someone close to you? It seems to me that, interestingly, this very realistic potential situation is never really discussed between friends, but is instead usually more of an unwritten law in the Book of Exes. It seems to be taken for granted that such a circumstance will never unfold, and to a large degree this “ex-pectation” is valid. It’s one thing to share an appetizer, but it is something entirely different to share a lover.
Some people accept this type of exchange, and I have even heard of instances where friends manage to defy the law and become “okay” despite the fact that one’s ex is now the other’s current. But perhaps these cases are only urban legend, since many other people consider a friend’s dating an ex to be one of the deepest forms of betrayal. Indeed, it can test a friendship and its limits. There may be many feelings and a long history at stake, and the parties involved may even all have become close friends, which creates a potentially awkward predicament. We all know the adage “Love is blind,” and we know full well that, often, we can’t help who we may fall in love with… However, maybe that explanation is just a little too easy, since breaking the law of ex-pectations can come with some pretty heavy consequences and multiple casualties.
Of course, that is assuming you even believe in such a law. If you do not, then you may not feel responsible for losing a long-time friend in exchange for a (likely comparatively) short-time love. Or maybe, to return to my original metaphor, the alignment of your planets of love was “in the stars” because you are the perfect pair, and so taking the chance, and possibly making the sacrifice, seems worth it. The problem is that we don’t have the power to read those stars, to know in advance how a person may feel or react. At the base of this scenario is the importance of trying to be aware of all involved, what the effects may be, what really matters most to you, and if it’s worth the risk. If going ahead is something you feel very strongly about, then the key rule to follow is to communicate your intent and not to keep it a secret. When you know you could potentially hurt someone, it’s always better to be as upfront as possible, especially with someone close to you; otherwise, that person might get hurt even more later. Another common metaphor about love is that it is “a battlefield,” and that battlefield can become even deadlier if you end up combatting your own friend upon it. In the end, though, it’s not for anyone else to judge what is right or wrong for you, but rather for you to decide by what personal laws of love and exes you will live.
December 13th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Nice! Sass, have you heard of saturn returns? Check it out, makes sense with what you speak of here.